To those of you who have followed me for a long time—I especially want you to hear this.
I've long been aware of diet culture and am now seeing (acknowledging, accepting) my role in perpetuating it. Specifically within the paleo community.
I battled disordered eating and body dysmorphia for DECADES. When I discovered the paleo lifestyle I thought it was different—and in some ways it was—but I wasn't.
Even with paleo, I was still showing up equating my worthiness to my body's shape and size, but SAYING it was a lifestyle change.
I wanted it to be true. I thought it was. I thought to say it made it so.
I was doing the best I knew how.
Today, the same old feelings can still be found hiding in my shadows masquerading as something else.
Since I was a teen I would look at someone who had the body type I longed to have and I would feel a false sense of excitement about how I could limit my food intake and start a new workout program to look like them.
This "false excitement" fueled me for decades, but I see it now for what it is: Unworthiness in sheep's clothing.
A coping mechanism I put in place to feel better about my perceived not-enoughness.
Motivation that I'd be happy, loved, seen, heard, respected, desired, valuable, worthy...in the future.
This feeling came forward for me yesterday while scrolling Instagram, but I caught it. I observed it.
As this week starts the beginning of a year-long coaching program I've enrolled in, I know these feelings are coming up so that I can heal and release them in myself and ultimately my community.
It is my intention to be freed from any remaining misinterpretations that the shape and size of my body have anything to do with my worthiness.
And to sincerely apologize to YOU if my past diet/food-focused content ever triggered you, made you feel less than, or harmed you in any way.
We deserve better.